I’m funny that way.
The 55 things to hate about the Video Game Awards (thank god I had the ability to fast forward the Tivo’d version) and 3 things I liked.
1. Why have we opened with 2 rap songs and no awards?
2. Why have we opened with 3 rap songs and no awards?
3. Why have we opened with 4 rap songs and no awards?
4. Who thought that Snoop Dogg would add gravitas to a field that needs it?
5. How much did EA pay to pimp Def Jam twice in the first 10 minutes.
6. Who wrote these god awful jokes where Snoop Jokes with his alter ego?
7. “If there’s one thing I appreciate, it’s Human Females Performing for me”. Ugh. And who came up with the category “Best performance by a human female”?
8. Vectramonkey is the name of the award? And no, miss victoria secret angel, it’s not ‘hot’.
9. Were there no good voice actors who were also big stars?
10. My fiance’s response to “Hot girls read cheat codes” was, and I quote, “Fucking Christ.”
11. No one ever starts their sentences with “I racked my nuts” at the Academy Awards.
12. “The most addictive game feuled by Dew”. Can we get more shameless please?
13. I somehow doubt that that’s the only PSP in America.
14. “Halo 2″ by Microsoft, “Doom 3″ by Activision, “Unreal Tournament” by Atari. How about actually giving love to the people that MADE the game? You don’t give awards to the moneymen at the Oscars, do you?
15. How much did EA pay for that completely insubstantial zombie-Brando in-show advertisement for Godfather?
16. No, I think getting behind the wheel of a Ferrari is actually a little better than getting behind the wheel of a video game.
17. How many people who love driving games want to buy the GTO that Pontiac product-placed on stage? Maybe they should have tried a Porche or something?
18. Finally, music with drums.
19. Why have the musical acts play songs with words you have to bleep out? Do they not realize how unprofessional it makes it sound to have the sound cut out?
20. Sorry, it’s not impressive that Danny Masterson was playing video games while his costars were dating the likes of Lindsey Lohan. Is he an idiot?
21. Who are these idiots talking about how cool the game of the year candidates are? Why do I care about their opinions?
22. Wouldn’t it be more impressive to have a candidate for music that was exclusive in a video game, rather than major songs just slapped in?
23. Is it kosher to sing a song at a show you’re hosting?
24. Is it just my imagination, or can Snoop Dogg not sing? Why would you do that on national TV?
25. Who wants to waste time reading out pesky nominees when we could have bad rap? Do 7 categories at once, and only list the winners.
26. Was there really not a better fighting game last year than Mortal Combat?
27.”Cybervixen of the year”. Classy. Couldn’t they at least also have “Virtual Beefcake of the Year”?
28. Were these asian women ordered to dress up like prostitutes?
29. If you’re supposed to present an award, wouldn’t it be nice if you could speak English to some degree?
30. Samuel Jackson looks like the first person happy to have won. No, scratch that – bemused. Look at what the wacky kids are hip to this year!
31. Must we really have a rapoff between Snoop and Virtual Snoop?
32. The victoria secret angels hadning out awards is stupid and distracting.
33. “Riddick” gets best game based on a movie. Thankfully for the team, being based on a GOOD movie wasn’t a requirement.
34. This show is reminding me quickly that I hate rap.
35. Another batch of award winners that apparently don’t deserve more time that could be spent on, say, hot chicks reading cheat codes.
36. What the hell category is “Kickass Newcomer” and why does Carmen Electra qualify?
37. Was Halo 2 really the best designed game of the year? There was nothing more original anywhere?
38. Doesn’t GameSpot sponsor this thing? How’d they ‘win’ that award?
39. Samuel Jackson as coach: note to show creators – anytime you say to yourself ‘this skit will be kinda stupid but also kinda cute’ – no, it’ll just be really stupid.
40. “You know what’ll be cool? If the ‘envelope’ was a DVD cover!” Bah.
41. Nothing says spontaneity and surprise like Madden giving a long thank-you speech via prerecorded video.
42. Dear Busta Rhymes: your introduction should not be longer than the song you’re introducing.
43. Is it kosher to sing 2 songs at a show you’re hosting?
44. Re Snoop Dogg: Is this good rap? I hate rap, so I can’t tell, but this sure sounds like it sucks to me.
45. Re Snoop Dogg: If you must have a song with words bleeped out, could you choose one where those words weren’t in the frequently repeated chorus?
46. More Hot Girls Reading Cheat Codes. Enough said.
47. Snoop Dogg’s going to be in a video game! Even the host is product placement! We have reached product placement Utopia!
48. Why are the candidates for Reader’s Choice different than Game of the Year? How were the candidates for the former chosen?
49. “Whose better to announce biggest game of the year than Method Man, Red Man or Ludacris?” I don’t know, how about Will Wright, Peter Molyneoux, and Sid Meier?
50. Samuel L Jackson accepts the award for the “Grand Theft Auto 2″ team.
51. You would think that after 25 years of rocking, Motley Crue would have learned to, say, do soundchecks.
52. Flaming drumsets are, like, SO 1988.
53. Snoop Dogg and Motley Crue share the stage. Someone shoot me now.
54. Is it just me, or did it seem like Snoop Dogg wrote his rap interlude on the limo ride to the show?
55. Ted Williams expired with more dignity than this show.
3 Things I liked:
1. Katamari Damacy being mentioned.
2. I like Michelle Rodriguez on principle.
3. The Spy vs Spy ads.
Yes, it took me including the advertising to find 3 things I liked. Thank god that piece of crap is no longer on my DVR.
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